Even in happy, healthy relationships, couples often go through struggles after a baby is born. And it makes sense—with a new baby at home, you’re both tired, you have less time for the things you like to do together, and you’re adapting to big changes in your shared goals and identities.
Sometimes, partners feel resentment because they don’t have as much time for each other or don’t feel they have the support they need. In heterosexual couples especially, it’s common for the mother to take on more of the housework and child care, even if you shared responsibilities more equally before the baby was born. New parents may also feel tremendous stress over the financial responsibilities of raising a child. These things can greatly affect your mental health, and it’s important to work on ways you can manage your mental wellbeing as partners.
All of these are common experiences, but the hard part at the beginning is temporary. Even though there are challenges, becoming parents together is also a chance to grow and deepen your connection.
Here are seven things you can do to help support each other and make the transition easier.
- Make time to talk about changes. Open, honest communication about how you’re feeling is so important in the early days of parenthood. It helps set up the lines of communication you’ll need to parent together over the long haul. Now is a good time to talk about what you each need from each other and about how you want to raise your children together.
- Make a list of tasks and then divide them up. It’s easy to feel resentful if you find yourself doing more work than you think is fair. And it’s easy to overlook the work your partner is doing if you don’t talk about it. So try making a list of the big tasks, from housework to child care, and divide them up in a way that feels right to everyone. Some tasks can take more time and energy than others. So these may be ones that you might want to work on together or make sure one person is not taking on way too much. It may take some work to hash it out, and you may need to tweak it as time passes. But a plan can help everyone feel seen, supported, and appreciated.
- Don’t take over. Each parent is building their unique parenting style and one-on-one bond with the new baby. But it can be hard to watch someone do the small things differently than you do. If you feel tempted to step in whenever your partner does things differently, try going out and doing something for yourself while your partner and the baby spend some time together.
- Sleep when you can. Exhaustion makes everything, including relationships, so much harder. So grab sleep when you can, even if that means skipping things that can wait, like folding the laundry or mowing the lawn. Reach out to friends and family to watch the baby for a bit so you can get some rest.
- Expect changes to your sex life. There are a few big reasons that couples’ sex lives change after a baby is born. The birthing parent is recovering and adjusting to many physical and emotional changes, which can affect libido. Both parents are typically getting less sleep and time alone and are adjusting to their new roles as parents. It can feel like there is little time left for each other after having a baby. This phase is usually temporary, but it’s important to talk about it to set realistic expectations and avoid hurt feelings. It’s also a good time to talk about ways to stay connected, including non-sexual forms of intimacy.
- Reach out to friends and family for support. Being a new parent often means that you’re spending much less time with friends and colleagues. But remember that you and your partner can’t be everything for each other. Stay in touch with friends who can support you, especially those with similar experiences to yours. And let willing friends and family watch the baby so you and your partner can find some one-on-one time together, too.
- Get help from a therapist if you need it. If you’re really struggling with your relationship, consider talking with a therapist. It can make a big difference to bring in a neutral person to help you communicate with each other.
Important safety note: Most couples go through challenges as they adjust to having a baby, but physical, sexual, and emotional abuse is never okay for you or your child. If you’re experiencing abuse, please get help. Talk to your healthcare provider or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233). For emergencies, call 911.
Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team
Sources:
- UCLA Health. “Family dynamics: How relationships change after having a baby.” UCLA Health. September 2022, https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/family-dynamics-how-relationships-change-after-having-a-baby
- National Health Service (UK). “Relationships after having a baby.” NHS. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/support-and-services/relationships-after-having-a-baby/
- The New York Times. “Fighting Constantly After Baby? Read This.” https://www.nytimes.com/article/fighting-after-baby-guide.html
