Danielle’s postpartum story
My first postpartum experience was eye-opening in that I was not prepared AT ALL. I mean, I had all the things–pads, peri-bottles, Tylenol, undies, and bras. I read the books, and I thought I had it handled. But what I didn’t have was a decent understanding of how it would affect my relationship with my husband, my friends, my sleep, my mental health. It rocked my world. I had only heard of postpartum depression. But I got the surprise of a lifetime when I (after a long, long story) was seen by a psychologist who recognized symptoms of not only postpartum depression (PPD) but also postpartum anxiety (PPA) and postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Living in self-doubt
In hindsight, I didn’t do a great job managing myself during the postpartum period. Sure, I loved on my sweet baby boy, exclusively breastfed him, did the laundry, and kept the house tidy. But rather than allowing myself to heal with rest, food, and water, I was wrecked with worry, fear and anxiety.
I couldn’t sleep because I was too busy googling ways I might accidentally hurt my baby. Or if something looked slightly wrong, like his chapped lips, I would spend HOURS researching the underlying issue. Because I knew it couldn’t be as simple as dry lips. I wouldn’t care about eating because I couldn’t let him out of my sight. I’d take long walks to get out of the house but would legitimately tremble in fear that we would get hit by a car. I lived in a constant state of worry and rarely, if ever, expressed it to anyone. I lost my sense of humor, my relationships suffered, and I felt like I was losing myself. Because, in reality, I was.
Acknowledging the challenges, accepting support
I wish I wouldn’t have suffered so long in silence. I give my husband and sister so much credit for getting me through some of the worst days I have ever experienced. They pushed me to talk to my doctor. And let me know how I was behaving and the physical symptoms that I was experiencing due to constant anxiety and worry were not normal and, frankly, concerning.
Looking back, I recognize that a lot of my PPD, PPA and OCD symptoms started during my pregnancy. If I could have done it differently, I wish I had brought it up with my provider sooner so that I didn’t miss out on so much joy during those first few weeks. Educating pregnant women early about risk factors and what to look out for is important. My hypothesis is that a lot of women suffer mental health issues during pregnancy, but due to a lack of awareness, it is rarely brought up or identified during that time.
My path to healing
After learning about my PPD, PPA & OCD, my doctors and I made the decision to stick with my medication during my next pregnancies. This is not always recommended, but it worked for me. Before my diagnosis and before I went on medication, I was so mad at myself for not being able to handle the emotional changes. I was so disappointed that I had to have an emergency C-section due to the baby not progressing after hours of pushing. I also had to endure this mental health situation too. Why couldn’t I just have a normal birth with a normal recovery?
Admittedly, I was hesitant about medication. I thought I would end up being this emotionless, vapid woman. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. It turned out medication was absolutely the best thing for me AND my family.
Handling it
My second (and third!) postpartum experiences couldn’t have been more different than the first. I experienced joy, excitement, laughter, and love. I knew I could handle what was thrown my way. Medication isn’t always a perfect tool. Sometimes, I can feel the negative thoughts and worries creep in. However, I can recognize them now and know better than succumbing to those thoughts. I know that it will pass. If not, I have family and doctors who know about my history and are there to help me.
Things learned, things gained
A common expression or advice for new parents is: “Trust your gut.” But what do you do when that gut intuition of yours is telling you that your baby will stop living because you used the wrong laundry detergent? Or is something fundamentally wrong with that baby because his head suddenly looks too big? It’s a scary place to be when your gut leads you to a deep, dark tunnel with no sense of logic or rationalization.
My advice is to trust others around you. Trust your partner to bring up the fact that maybe something isn’t right. Trust your family to help you recognize that your worries aren’t rational. Trust your friends when they encourage you to eat and sleep when they come over. Trust your providers when they give you tools to help identify mental health issues. And be honest with yourself when things seem dire. Being a parent is hard, undoubtedly hard. But you shouldn’t lose yourself completely. There is light and hope and joy. Sometimes, it just takes a little while to find it.
If you’re experiencing postpartum issues similar to those in this story, please contact your healthcare provider. They can help you get the support and care you need.
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